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Posts Tagged ‘self-discovery’

As ALAG continues to expand, we’ve been asked to explain some of our “operating procedures” for new folks who may want to bring ALAG to their community.

 

One of my self-imposed rules since the beginning of Act Like a GRRRL (ALAG) has been

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GRRRLS and Vali at ALAG 2015

that I try not to talk to parents.

 

(And, let me express my deep gratitude all the ALAG parents/guardians of the last 13 years for their understanding.)

 

It’s not that I don’t like parents. If you’re a new ALAG parent reading this, let me say I KNOW you’re undoubtedly cool if you’re sending your daughter to ALAG. I am sure you’re “my people.” 

 

It’s just that I’m trying to stay as transparent as I can with the GRRRLS. Every year, the first norm the GRRRLS create for their work together is “what’s said in the circle stays in the circle.” I want to avoid even the slightest appearance that I might have occasion to slip and repeat something to a parent that a GRRRL said in confidence in that circle.*

 

Another norm that always makes its way onto the GRRRLS’ list is “no parents in the space.” It’s important that Act Like a GRRRL belong to your daughter. It’s something she doesn’t need to share with you.

 

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GRRRL Tribe:Co-leaders Kamilah, Vali, Dylan

This is her space. We are her people. She is finding her tribe. This is a time when her search for independence and identity may be at an all-time high. ALAG is giving her the space to develop those things in a supportive, intentional community. But, it stops being about growing independence and self-agency when parents join in.

 

 

I recently read that the great question of adolescence is “Who Am I?” and the great fear of adolescence is “Am I Normal?” The best answers to those questions come through independent self-discovery. It’s essentially what we are doing 24/7 at ALAG. Being told who you are is nice, but it’s not as powerful as recognizing it for yourself.

 

ALAG is a positive risk-taking activity. Performing your own material is terrifying. When that material is deeply personal autobiographical narrative, the stakes go up exponentially. To be publicly known for who you are and what you stand for builds character, charisma and confidence.

 

It’s work that demands parents take a step back. It’s the first of many steps you’ll make

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Kamilah introducing the GRRRLS

to let your daughter assume her own space in the world. She can expand because you give her the room to do so or because she steals the space by distancing herself emotionally, physically and mentally. (It’s important to also cultivate a space where families celebrate togetherness.)

 

 

In my experience watching GRRRLS and parents navigate these years, the strongest familial relationships are where parents willingly step back and let their daughters take this time and space to grow, even when parents don’t like what they see/hear initially.

 

My mother, who was the greatest mother ever, did not always agree with the things my brothers and I believed. But, she always respected us. She was famous for saying, “that’s what happens when you raise your children to think. They don’t always think what you want them to.” She always kept an open mind and even allowed her thinking to be persuaded by our best arguments.

 

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Mom presenting her Nobel Prizes

My mother referred to her children as her “Nobel Prizes,” explaining that she never got around to saving the world herself because she was too busy raising my brothers and me. “But, that’s okay because they’re going to do it for me.”

 

 

 

 

Your daughters are our Nobel Prizes. I have no doubt that they are going to save the world, one corner at a time. They are building amazing skills by learning to articulate their values, negotiate differences, take up space and give it to others as they serve as witness to each other. They give me confidence that the future is indeed brighter than the past. And, you are an award-winning parent for having the foresight to let your daughter have her own #RRRevolution. 

*Obviously, I have a reporting responsibility if I think a GRRRL is being hurt or may be a threat to herself or others.

 

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